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So, this post is similar to my post, WHAT'S MY BUT?, in that I asked my closest friends and wife to help me out with writing it. Most of the previous posts in the WHO AM I? series were more about what I do for a living or the fact that I am a father or a son or a husband. This one will be different in that it won't be complimentary towards me.
Do I actually think I am an asshole?
No.
Do my friends?
No.
I didn't ask them that. I asked them what the most assholish thing they've ever seen me do or heard me say or saw me write online was.
My wife responded "There's so many." with a little winky face so her answer was thrown out.
First, we're going to go through some of the answers I got and some of the things I know I have done. (Those things overlap. I was not unaware of the situations my friends described.)
One of the more popular answers was the great internet hostage crisis of 2014. I will keep it short:
My family was moving. The internet is always the first thing I hook up when I move. I plan ahead. I set an appointment. I do everything possible to ensure that my internet is ready for me the second I move in. My friends helped me move in exchange for pizza and tacos and beer and, unknown to them, a show.
Charter showed up to install my internet. 2 installers arrived. The Asian gentleman refused to have my wife show him around and insisted on waiting for me to finish unloading the truck so a man could show him around. That was strike one.
I digress.
They showed up with the wrong equipment and "couldn't get replacement parts until Tuesday".
We all know this is unacceptable to me considering I planned all this and was paying for the installation and, well, I'm me. Had I not arranged this weeks in advance including picking out the correct equipment, I may not have reacted this way.
After calling their boss and yelling at them, I called Charter corporate and yelled at them.
Oh, yeah, and I blocked the installers from entering their vehicle to leave. I essentially held these guys hostage until I had resolution all while my friends and family sat on a couch outside watching me tear Charter a new one.
Now, service was $65/month and the installation appointment was $150.
I got free installation and only paid $35/month for 3 years and the installers made it home to their families that night, so I am calling it a win.
Other answers I got about the most assholish thing I have done included:
1. Intentionally hitting stupid performers with flown scenery. Now, let me say, I never hit them intentionally...well, ok, maybe subconsciously, but I never hit them hard or with intent to cause harm. I did it to teach them a lesson. It worked. Every time.
2. Not holding back when correcting stupidity in clients/students/strangers. I am not even denying this one.
We all know I don't handle stupid particularly well. I don't think that makes me an asshole. There is a big difference between ignorance and stupidity.
Ignorance is not knowing something.
Stupidity is knowing it and choosing to ignore it.
I can fix ignorance with a smile and some fairy farts.
I cannot fix stupid.
If you behave stupidly, say something stupid, or write something stupid online, I am absolutely going to call you on it. I am going to tear you up and down in a way that my friend would describe as elephant making love to a cat rough.
If you follow me on social media, you know that to be true. I give no quarter and ask for no quarter.
Does that make me an asshole though?
No. And here's why...
I am a super nice guy. I will help you move, give you advice, help with a project, cook you a meal, share a beer, give you a shoulder to cry on, etc etc etc.
I am a bleeding heart liberal all day long that believes in equality for all.
I will fight for you and I will fight for what I believe in until the whole world burns.
That's passion and that's loyalty.
Unfortunately for some, that passion translates both ways. If you prove that you are as intelligent as a sack of wet leaves, I am absolutely going to tell you how I feel about that.
That's not me being an asshole. It's you being offended by the fact that your stupidity opened up my wrath.
My personality has to do with me. My attitude has everything to do with you.
Remember that.
So no, I don't think I am an asshole. I just don't sugarcoat things and there's nothing wrong with that.
There's a quote. It's one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite shows...
"Demons run when a good man goes to war."
I am a good man.
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